I recently picked up a copy of “Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People” by Vanessa Van Edwards.
I’ve always been interested in why people do what they do, including myself. I’ve also taken my fair share of personality tests.
And the deeper I’ve gone down the rabbit hole of figuring out what I respond to and don’t has only heightened my interest in personalities. Side note – once upon a time, I dated a woman who jokingly discussed our compatibility based on our zodiac signs. Apparently Geminis (me) and Libras (her) are supposed to be a great match. We didn’t last, so maybe the zodiac isn’t as accurate as personality tests.
For me, the gold in Captivate kicks into high gear in Chapter 7 – How to crack someone’s personality. Van Edwards shares how she ran across the five-factor personality model. The psychological model suggests humans have five basic personality traits: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism (OCEAN). This framework becomes the underpinning for several of Captivates chapters and insights.
Knowing the personality tendencies, Van Edwards spends the next 60 pages laying out how to potentially determine those personalities, their likely behavior, clues to look for, and ultimately approach for connecting. She lays out how to show appreciation for those personality types.
Other tips I found particularly interesting:
Gestures
The least popular TED Talk presenters used an average of 272 hand gestures. The most popular TED Talk presenters used an average 465 hand gestures (almost double). Temple Grandin, Simon Sinek (personal favorite TED Talk), and Jane McGonigal used more than 600 gestures in their 18 minutes.
First Impressions
We decide if we believe, like, and trust someone before we have even heard them speak. Our first impressions are 76 percent accurate.
Kill the small talk
Ask deeper, more meaningful questions to have more thoughtful conversations. Edwards writes, “When you produce dopamine during a conversation, you not only give your partner more enjoyment, you are also assigned more significance, which increases your memorability.”
Investor pitch
Entrepreneurs who added a unique request, tried something unique or added interactivity had a much higher likelihood of geting a ddeal on Shark Tank.
Storytelling
Our brains sync when telling or hearing stories because it provides an opportunity to find commonality (me too!), gives us pleasure, and bonds us to the storyteller.
Purpose
Always use the word “because” when asking from something.
Vulnerability
Ask for advice, share, admit weakness – they bond you to people. There’s a reason why Brene Brown’s TED Talk is one of the most watched TED Talks on the planet. There’s a reason why Brene Brown has a new Netflix special. There’s a reason why we love Rising Phoenix, Rags to Riches stories. Most of them involve a high level of vulnerability and willingness to admit failure.
The final chapter offers advice on how to deal with difficult people. Her tip: name the emotion, understand the feeling, and transform the fear. We’ve all heard the old relationship adage regarding fights, “It’s never about the toothpaste cap.”
I like Captivate a lot. It’s a quick read. It doesn’t feel like a stuffy business book. The insights are fresh. The stories are personal and entertaining. And the advice is practical. There are plenty of questions, tests, examples, and situations throughout the book to apply key learnings, too.
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